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Five Keys to NLP
Purpose
To provide a basic structure that captures the core skills to be practised in NLP, irrespective of the accreditation level to which you eventually aspire. Mastery, demonstrated through consistent and exemplary skill in these areas, will enable even the most complex process to be completed to the satisfaction of all the parties involved.
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Key One: Know your outcome
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The first key to success in using NLP is to know your 'Desired Outcome'. The whole 'Outcome Thinking' process is based on the Meta Programme 'Motivation Direction', specifically ...
- 'Moving towards' what you want but do not have, or
- 'Moving away' from what you have but do not want or what you'll get if you stay put.
The essential point being that it is a motivation direction, not an end point in itself. This means that it helps you to avoid any potential issues of losing future motivation when a specific measurable result is achieved.
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Key Two: Take some action
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This is an obvious key of course but one that does sometimes get missed. The most wonderful dream in the world is only a dream until you do something about actually achieving it. Taking that first crucial step or two can be encouraged by a serious testing of commitment during the Outcome Thinking process. From time to time there may be some reluctance to take the initial steps. Where this happens there is usually a deep seated (often completely unconscious) gain from staying right where you are (the principle of a positive by-product). In this case we can either ensure that we build a mechanism into the outcome that will still provide that hidden benefit or change the outcome.
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Key Three: Increase your overall awareness (sensory acuity)
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Those with demonstrable skill in NLP have a much wider and richer awareness of larger systems than is normal in the general population. This awareness can operate at a number of different levels, combining both visual and auditory channels:
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Language
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Attention to specific words and phrases will give clues to representational system
preferences (for example, seeing, hearing, feeling language) so that you can increase
your rapport and influence by matching and/or leading the other person's preferences.
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Meta Model patterns (the various deletions, generalisations and distortions in everyday
language that provide you with very helpful clues about how the other person structures
their internal world).
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Meta Programmes (the unconscious filters in our thinking which influence what we
pay attention to and what we exclude from our attention). The awareness that careful
listening to these patterns can generate will enable you to more easily match your
partner's preferences.
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Recognising and utilising the deeper values a person holds (often outside of their
conscious awareness) will increase your understanding and influence, especially
in more challenging circumstances.
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Vocal effects - often missed in our highly visual society but can convey significant levels of meaning at an unconscious level.
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Non-verbal cues
Eye movements will indicate how someone is accessing information.
Subtle skin colour changes may indicate a significant change of internal 'state'.
Significant shifts in breathing patterns may also be linked to a shift in state.
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The system - in other words a much deeper understanding of the various links and interdependencies that exist around and beyond a particular relationship or situation.
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Key Four: Enhance your personal flexibility
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For many of us, this can be the most challenging of the keys, especially when you know you are 'right' or the other person is behaving like a complete ******. The most effective exemplars of NLP can move easily into another person's world without any compromise to their own position or ethics. It is the ability to understand the other's world that is important, not to agree with it. This takes some personal courage but that courage will be rewarded over time as you begin to experience improvements in what otherwise may appear to be intractable situations.
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Key Five: Conduct the whole process in a spirit of rapport
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You will become aware that rapport is one of those words that are used a lot in NLP and many other spheres of activity. When things are going well, and you relate to someone instinctively, then there is no problem. However, it is not always in evidence when more challenging circumstances present themselves. It is in these contexts that a high level of rapport building skill is at its most useful.
It supports and enhances the other four keys in that it helps you to ...
- Build a relationship where you can increase the sense of shared understanding about the effects and consequences of your desired outcome on someone else, and the impact of their aspirations on you.
- Increase the chances of any action being supported by other people because they sense you understand their role in the outcome, situation or relationship.
- Notice small changes in the physical or emotional state of the other person almost as soon as, or even before, they become aware of it themselves.
- Create a relationship within which it is possible to demonstrate personal flexibility without the need to 'give the shop away'.
Research from a number of sources in recent years has shown just how deep the nature of rapport is. It has been shown that even a baby demonstrates an intention to mirror its mother's facial movements and smile within 24 hours of birth (see Simon Baron Cohen's eminently readable and interesting book "The Essential Difference", published by Penguin Press Science).
Rapport can be established and maintained through matching, mirroring or crossover mirroring any of the following elements:
- Physical posture, gestures and overall signature rhythm
- All the various linguistic and verbal characteristics we exhibit in terms of both content (words and phrases) and the medium (vocal effects such as tone, volume etc)
- Beliefs, values and cultural norms
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